This Is What Trans Looks Like Interviews
Liam Woods they/them
If you could talk to your younger self, what would you say, what would you tell them?
Give yourself the love you give to others. Find freedom in that. I wish I could tell you life gets easier, but it doesn’t. All I can say is truly savor the moments of peace when you do have them. Put your phone down and don’t take it for granted. You have your whole life to be an adult. Stop rushing. Be a kid and embrace that. Life isn’t linear. So stop forcing things that you can’t control. You must learn to embrace the tide and float with it. You can’t push against it. It’ll only drown you. Despite the things you’re going through as a child, keep staying true to who you are. Don’t bend. You are going to inspire a lot of those around you to finally embrace their Queer identities and not feel shame anymore. I’m proud of you for standing by that.
What vision did you have for the project coming into it?
To me, it was really important to showcase the vulnerability and comfortability of the people I worked with. Getting to know a little bit about them prior and translating that energy on camera was essential to me to really capture the accurate essence of these wonderful individuals. I love soft, warm colors that feel nostalgic. Working with Kodak Gold on 35mm film helped to really bring out those textures I really wanted. I wanted the composition of the images to feel personable and intimate. Like you’re getting a true glance of this person standing firm in their entirety as well as embracing the soft edges. I wanted to shoot a mixture of highlighting their individuality as well as holding each other as a collective. There’s no one way to be Trans and I really feel like the people I worked with showed such a beautiful variety.
Why is it important to have Trans/Queer representation in front and behind the camera?
Trans/Queer representation is important to me because we live in a society that is constantly trying to erase our existence. It is important to create art that celebrates our history, our life, and our joy to show that we are here. We deserve to be seen and held with love and compassion. This art is important because it lays the foundation for those after us to give them hope for a brighter future. I want to be optimistic and intentional when creating this work because our beauty and creativity can come in so many wonderful forms. It should be released and shouted from the rooftops as loud as possible. The lack of diversity is unacceptable in this industry. We need more Trans stories by Trans people. I believe Trans art to be such a healing tool not just for our community, but worldwide. Our life perspectives are revolutionary, transformative, and inspiring.
Jae Siqueiros he/him
Who was an icon for you going up?:
Growing up for me it wasn't really people who I looked at to be an icon, it was actually video games. Sora from kingdom hearts was iconic to me because once he got to fuck around and hang out with Disney characters but he also got to go on a mission and find his family and friends who were taken, and for me, that just showed a lot of dedication.
What objects make you feel closest to yourself or most euphoric?:
For me, it's any piece of clothing that matters a great deal to me. It wasn't till the pandemic I realized I think I over-indexed on that. So now with all this time on my hands and not being able to see people, how can I mix it up so that it means a lil more. At first, wearing stereotypical men’s clothing was super validating, and then later on in my transition, they just turned into clothes and they didn't have as much meaning as they once did; like when I started hormones or just got top surgery and they had that fresh new feel. Now during the pandemic exploring how I can get that meaning back, and how can I center myself in my clothes again. I really value myself in my clothes the most, it's where I find the most solace in myself, clothes for me are a way to express myself it's just getting out of my head the societal norm or what's right to wear as a man and what's not “masculine” to wear. I remember getting this nice blouse when I was on a birthday trip in Seattle and really vibing with it but most recently I gave it away because I couldn't get myself to wear it out despite looking so good in it, I wanna make the jump to being able to own it and not worry about what other people think. I just think I’ve been so cis passing for so long that I got a lil complicit with it, and now I’m like well nobody is gonna know, how are they gonna know, I want people to know. So I’m working on getting back to those roots and playing with my clothes a lil more.
How do you identify and what journey did you take to get there?
It feels weird to say I identify as Jae but to an extent to this day I tend to put people before myself, so my journey to get here all started off as tapering people's perception of me and letting those changes come slowly to accommodate their feelings, rather than taking care of myself. After I told one of my exes that I was gonna start testosterone and go on that journey, she said the first day you take that I’m gone. I remember talking to my doctor and saying I need the lowest dose so the changes come slow because if I do I'll lose her, in hindsight why does she matter. I needed to take care of myself. I was also dealing with my parents and accommodating them, who didn't have a real clear understanding of what being trans even is, and I didn’t have the emotional capacity to teach them at the time. I was still figuring it out at the time, and I spent the first year to a year in a half trying to accommodate other people, and it wasn't till I had got top surgery in 2016 that I re-fell in love with myself and all eyes were on me. I moved to a new town for college so I just knew it was my time to shine and nobody was gonna take better care of me than I will.
Nyjah Gobert he/him
Who are some people in your life that made you feel your most authentic self?:
Number one my younger sister, just being around her I was able to be who I was, when I was, how I wanted to be. When I came out to her as trans she said “You know what I never really saw you as a gender anyway, so keep doing you and being you.” and that just validated so much for me. She was a huge part of my support system and my parents as well because they raised me to be who I am and flaunt who I am as well, it was a big part of wanting to transition but also being afraid as well to transition. Come college my best friend came to college because she was my roommate and I came out to her as well and she felt very humbled and it really made our friendship grow and become stronger from there. It was nice to have support at home but also have support while away as well.
What objects make you feel closer to yourself or most authentically you?:
I picked out some old movies like The Neverending Story, Labyrinth, Nightmare Before Christmas, and Bugsy Malone, those movies are what I grew up with, and every movie I have a memory of it. It’s very sentimental to me because movies just put me in another world and I just love it. I also have my first velvet purple durag; I was like once I was fully transitioned I was gonna get myself a durag and I'm gonna get braided. I didn’t know how to put it (the durag) the right way so I had my aunt do it, and she is one of my closest aunts, and I haven’t had it untied since then. It just felt like a ”you made it'' moment for me. You know, being black and trans and feeling myself. Also shoes, it's how I represent myself on the streets like you know fly shoes, fly outfits, you going around acting fly. So shoes are a big part of my life.
How do you identify and what journey did you take to get there?:
"I don't feel like I'm a girl. I feel sort of free-gendered, but I don't even know if that is a thing. Ever since I've been here (college) I've had so much more time to think and have met so many different types of people. Every day feels like a battle with my true self or who I actually want to be. I feel like I don't know my place yet as a human being and it is exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to be a guy other times I doubt myself because I obviously was not born a cisgender male. I'm short in height, and I hate that about myself—which is also discouraging. I don't even like looking at my body in the mirror. It doesn't feel like me, doesn't look like me. I go to shower and feel gender dysphoria running down the water and it's never been this bad like it is now. I'm so lost and not sure what I'm going to do about it. All I know is I am going to embark on a new found journey sooner or later but I can't do it alone. I'm ready to pursue who I am and who I was meant to be... hopefully." -October 19th, 2016
Wonderful he/him
What icon did you have growing up?:
My parents are some of my biggest icons just from a fashion sense and a “living your life” sense. My parents both came from rags to riches, my dad was a poor kid in Philly with seven brothers and sisters. After getting scouted for football he got to play in the NFL. Same with my mom eight brothers and sisters, living in the bayous of Louisiana. Then somehow my parents met in California and built this beautiful life together. They definitely steered me to be myself. I know growing up we butted heads all the time, but it was for the better. It definitely helped steer me in the right direction and helped push me to be myself. My best friend Athena, recently came out as non-binary and is a parent to a child. That's definitely iconic to me, especially because being hyper femme and being non-binary with a child, the outlook of you’re a mother, but them being like ‘No I’m not a mom, I’m a parent and this is my child. I love my husband and we are a beautiful queer family. It is especially iconic because they came out of the military, and to take that next step and readjust their whole lifestyle is amazing. Even the queer and trans community around me is iconic, those people are my community and help keep me going. I was homeless for a long while, and I just recently stopped being homeless for the last year or two. I was crowdfunding to exist, literally having my peers and other trans comrades pick me up off the ground and get me to where I needed to get going was everything for me. So there is nothing more iconic to me than the people I love and care for, being around me.
What objects make you feel closest to yourself or most euphoric?:
I wear elf ears all the time, I wear them every day and every second because this is my gender euphoria. It's strange you know because it wasn't till I was talking with a trans woman and she was like ‘Ya that's your gender euphoria. Tell people that is what’s gonna stop you from killing yourself and that's what makes you feel most you.’ I didn't really think about it that way but I totally could see it because when I don't wear them I freak out and feel off. Also just being myself 100% makes me feel most euphoric and whether that's the ears or bright colored make-up, or days where I'm in sweatpants. It's just like I'll feel the closest to me when I'm able to be me, and luckily I’m able to be me at every moment. I wasn't able to do that for a very long time. I spent a lot of time sheltering myself or letting people misgender me for their own comfort or not coming out when I wanted to, versus just being me. I also brought one of my favorite stuffies Desmond, he’s neon green and I know people won't be able to tell because of the interview but I love neon green. I have it accented everywhere like my whole bedroom is neon green and different neon colors. I just love to be bright, I love to shine whether that’s with my words, my actions, or my clothing. I just love to shine.
Emma Wondra they/them
If you could talk to your younger self, what would you say, what would you tell them?
Growing up in a private Catholic school, I stayed in the closet for so long because I felt like nobody would welcome me if I came out. I felt afraid to be my true self and If I could tell my younger self anything it would be that everything will be okay. While it sounds cliché, I feel like so many Queer & Trans youth just need somebody to tell them that it’ll be okay.
What vision did you have for the project coming into it?
I knew right away that I wanted to incorporate flowers- it’s a common element in my photography but I also wanted to capture a softer theme while still being jaw-droppingly powerful. A bare space, natural lighting, and including LOTS of flowers helped create a raw yet stunning environment for the photoshoot.
Why is it important to have Trans/Queer representation in front and behind the camera?
My partner and I are both trans and we’re raising a trans kid in a very binary world. Trans representation is so incredibly important especially for queer & trans youth- to feel less alone, to feel seen, to feel normal. To feel loved and accepted as who they are.
Michelle Waters they/them
Who are some people in your life that made you feel like your most authentic self?
I would definitely say my best friends growing up, I just always had really genuine people around me growing up. They made me feel very comfortable telling them how I feel, how I changed, and even how I identify. I think having that type of support was very integral to me being where I am today. Especially because friends are your chosen family and sometimes you don't get the most supportive family. It's amazing to be able to choose your family and have that love and support.
What objects make you feel closest to yourself?
I would definitely say my artwork because being able to paint abstractly, and just draw, and just having that creative outlet is really important for me. I'm also really into gardening, that's very grounding for me because nature is non judgmentally. It's just there to exist and be there with you. I grew up having fruit trees around and being able to plant them as well.
How do you identify and what journey did you take to get there?
I identify as non-binary, it definitely took some time for me to piecemeal life experiences together. I use to be bullied a lot as a kid for being very masc presenting since I had really short hair and people thought I was like a boy, and that weirdly turned me off to femininity. So I thought as a kid I had to be anti-feminine to be in this body weirdly. Then when puberty started to happen and my body started to change I was just kinda like this is what it is. I don't know it made me have a newfound appreciation just for the natural human form I was put in. Definitely, my life experiences being perceived as like “a woman” has just sorta shaped my identity, because I’m treated as a woman regardless of how I internally identify. I kinda used to just think, when I was finally coming to terms with being non-binary or not being cisgender, oh well I have to look very androgynous. It was weird like androgynous was synonymous with masculine which just like doesn’t make any sense. Definitely feel like there is a lot of femme shaming out there within androgynous/non-binary communities, and for me it’s like I don’t hate myself, not to say people hate themselves. I just genuinely love my body, I think the life experience I’ve had because of the way I am and coming to peace with that. Realizing you are external doesn’t visually have to indicate you are internal, even though that’s really complicated. You don’t have to be perceived a certain way to feel a certain way, you can’t be worried about how others perceive you, it’s really about how you perceive yourself and go about living your life. It's ok if people don't understand you, people can visually perceive you a certain way and then not understand what you're saying and that's not my business, my business is what I wanna be. I use to be told like oh rather than identify as non-binary shouldn't you be trying to push the gendered expectation of what it looks like to be a woman because isn't it about expanding the definition of womanhood and manhood, but for me being non-binary is a spectrum. It's not a spectrum with two ends, it's literally just being.
Cee Chavez they/them
What objects make you feel closest to yourself and why?
All of the objects I use to adorn and fashion myself (clothes, jewelry, my binder, makeup, clippers to buzz my head, etc.) make me feel closest to myself. I have such a wide spectrum of gender expression and having the tools to help me feel comfortable and more at home in my body is so meaningful to me. Prior to coming out as non-binary, I always felt a need to perform femininity in a way that felt disingenuous and uncomfortable. I constantly felt like I was wearing a costume and compared myself to the girls and women around me who I could never emulate in a natural way. Coming out as trans and non-binary afforded me the freedom to fully explore my gender and express it in ways that felt sincere. Buzzing my head really helped me feel at ease in my skin and now any performance of femininity is done for myself rather than an attempt to fit in with others around me.
If you could talk to your younger self, what would you say? What advice might you give?
If I could talk to my younger self, I would give them the language they didn't have access to yet. I would give them the word non-binary. I would tell them they don't have to be a boy or a girl, that they can make room to explore their gender, that they can pick their own name, and that they don't need to be so afraid of not being accepted. I would tell them they already know who they are, that they just need to listen to and follow their desires, and stop quieting themself to make others comfortable. I would tell them that the sooner they own their truth, the more at peace they will be in their skin, and letting go of the people who can't or won't accept these changes will only bring them closer to themself.”
Jaze Williams they/them
How do you identify and what journey did you take to get there?
My gender is non-binary trans masculine, I would say my sexuality is queer. The journey is really funny honestly because it's all a process like a slow-stepping transition to be who I am today, like born a girl, a straight girl then I was like oh my god what is this lesbian youtube I'm such a good ally haha. Watching all these lesbian youtube videos I was like am I a lesbian what? That was really fun being a young teenager, being like I Iove being a lesbian I love girls but then wait why do I hate my body, why do I hate mirrors, what’s happening? Then having a hard time looking in the mirror and at my body it made me cry for two months. It’s that binary assumption that makes the trans experience so confusing, I don't wanna say undesirable but even like 6-7 years ago being trans only meant being a trans man or a trans woman, so I felt so opposed to finding myself because I didn't know there was a spectrum and finding non-binary was just a breath of fresh air.
What objects make you feel most euphoric or most yourself?
I brought my bass and my T-box which is funny because it was in my freshman year of college and I was hustling hard to get T, I found this box on my college campus that was used for collecting tickets way back when. I put this blue velvet cotton lining in it so every week when I had this ritual when I was taking my T. I would feel good whether I was alone or with my friends. When I look at it and I open it nobody will know how many times I've opened it or how many times I've done it but that makes me feel most myself.
What's your earliest memory of when you felt most euphoric about yourself, your body, or both?
When I was really young I was born in LA, and there was this elementary school that I thought was massive because when you're young everything is big. There was this fake track just painted on the ground, during recess I would race other kids in my lower grade levels like every day. It was so fun, I just remember not necessarily dominating or winning but just feeling so powerful; and so just like I belonged in that space. Every time I was at school running or doing pull-ups or just doing very energetic things I felt otherworldly, just such euphoria.
Mason Rose he/they
If you could talk to your younger self, what would you say, what would you tell them?
Listen to your body, & ask for what you need. You have so much love & support around you. Just gotta ask for help sometimes.
What vision did you have for the project coming into it?
Gooey love & queer community ~ lots of softness and power.
Why is it important to have Trans/Queer representation in front and behind the camera?
We need to tell our own stories & reclaim our narrative.
Mia they/them
Do you have an Icon that you most identify with growing up?
I was thinking about that one a lot, and honestly, no one came to mind, and I think that’s the point though of this photo shoot. Trans people, especially Bipoc trans people, we don’t see ourselves represented in the media. So, is there anyone I looked up to that gave me gender good, or gender feels or aspirations as a kid? No.
What’s your earliest memory of when you felt most euphoric about yourself, your body, or both?
I’m really lucky that my mom let me play with clothing. I started picking my own clothes in kindergarten, unknowingly, of course you know it was subconscious. I was in 6th grade, and I just really committed to the only things that were going to be put on my body, were gonna be from the boy’s section. I even got a comforter from the boy’s section. I don’t want anything in my room that’s not boy, or anything on my body that wasn’t boy. That was just really cool to be able to do that. My parents weren’t upset with it, my friends thought it was cool, it was just normalized. I would say my gender expression being normalized, would probably be the earliest feeling of gender euphoria.
How do you identify and what journey did you take to get there?
I identify as non-binary. I wasn’t really public about questioning my gender until four years ago. That’s because I moved to Seattle, and I met so many trans people, like genderqueer or non-binary or trans femme or trans masc, all the things under the umbrella. I was like, well shit maybe I’m not a girl. I guess it wasn’t until I was 25, that I met other people who it wasn’t just about expression, it was about identity, and that’s when that shift happened for me. As I said earlier I was always playing with my gender, but it didn’t seem like something that was more than surface level; until I heard other people say ‘Hey you don’t have to be that gender you were assigned at birth.” I choose the term genderqueer at first because I already identified as queer, so let’s just lump it all in there. Then once I decided to switch my pronouns, I was so nervous. It felt so uncomfortable to do that because according to society’s vision of the binary, I’m very femme-presenting. Now it’s just, “Hey what are your pronouns?” But before it had to be a conversation and it was exhausting. It felt uncomfortable having to validate myself. Then the journey lead me to, “Maybe if I didn’t look like a woman then this won’t be such a big issue.” So I cut off all my hair. I was only wearing loose-fitting clothing. I stopped wearing make-up. Although that was fun, I went from performing femininity to now performing androgyny. It’s all for the sake of how everyone else views me, not for myself. It’s hard, even nowadays to validate myself. Non-binary doesn’t look one way. Trans doesn’t look one way. Things that have felt really radical to me that I’ve changed about myself to affirm my identity is mixing in some of those hard femme things. I haven’t had my hair this long in nine years. So having long hair and wearing make-up again and having long nails. Fuck if everyone thinks that’s womanhood. I don’t feel like I’m performing non-binary anymore, I’m just doing me.
Khamisi he/him/they/them
What objects make you feel closest to yourself, or most align with who you are, and why?
I definitely think my instruments are. Music has been just a really major part of my life since I was a little kid. I joined the school band and it was really a way I could focus on one thing, and turn off everything just absolutely chaotic that was happening around me. Kind of the one thing that can really make me feel like I’m centering myself.
If you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?
First of all, you fucking made it. If you would’ve asked me when I was a kid, I would’ve been so sure there was no way I was gonna make it past 18, and I’m turning 25 this year. I fucking did that shit. I would tell my younger self that, even though it’s really fucking rough right now, you’re gonna make it through and everything’s gonna be good.
What’s your earliest memory of when you felt most euphoric about yourself, your body, or both?
I don’t think I really realized I was trans until I was about 18/19. Looking back I have this memory of being probably 12 or 13, I cut my hair into a really crappy pixie cut in the middle of the night and dyed it blue. The next day I went over to my neighbors to babysit their little kids, and one of the kids was like ‘Are you a boy now’, cause my hair was short, and I was like ‘What no’. At the time I didn’t understand why that was super exciting for me, but looking back that was definitely a big moment for me.
Who were some people in your life that made you feel like your most authentic self?
Certainly my best friend, we have been friends since we were kids, and we moved to Portland together. She’s really the one person I think in my life that I feel like I consistently can be one hundred percent myself around. That’s really nice to have, at least one person in my life, that I can just say whatever the fuck I want, do whatever I want and I’m not gonna be judged or anything.
What is it about your friend that makes you feel comfortable?
I think a lot of it is just her being vulnerable with me, and showing me her authentic self, makes me feel more comfortable doing the same. She really encouraged me when we were teenagers to be a lot more open about my mental health as well, cause I definitely grew up in a family that was like ‘therapy doesn’t do anything’ you know, you just have to suppress it. That was a really big thing for our relationship, just being comfortable talking to each other about mental health, and her really pulling me out of my shell with that.
Mysterie they/she/him
What icon did you identify with the most growing up, and why?
It would have to be Kristen Stewart in Catch That Kid. I always knew as soon as I heard the term Lesbian I knew that was right. I don’t know if it was the sexual aspect of it or the gender aspect but in that film, Kristen Stewart is kind of like this soft-butch girl who’s robbing a bank to save her dad. Corbin Bleu and the other dude are trying for her affection and she’s just not interested at all. I was just obsessed with that movie, anytime I could force people to watch it I would be like ‘We’re putting that on’, that’s it.
What objects make you feel closest to yourself or most align with who you are?
For me, it’s doing anything that changes my appearance. I really love my hairbrush, hair in general has been a long journey for me because for such a long time I was so alienated from my femininity, as like a form of projection. Now growing out my hair, and also having a mullet just cause it’s funny and silly and I just love it. I didn’t learn how to brush my own hair till about middle school so that was something that was definitely super impactful for me. Anytime I’m getting into drag, makeup is super important to me. Just to change the way I express myself to other people cause that makes me feel like a bad bitch.
Do you feel euphoric when getting ready and brushing your hair and going out for the day?
When I’m able to and have the time and energy to really, not change my appearance, but morph it into something different. It makes me feel super euphoric, anytime a child is like *gasp* when they see me, it makes me so happy. I love it when kids come up to me and are like ‘Are you a boy or a girl’ because a teenager that was something that was super triggering and now it’s like that’s the point. I want kids to be confused and have those questions.
What’s your earliest memory of when you felt most euphoric about yourself or your body?
For me, it was this one Can-Can girl dress that was blueish-green and purple. That always made me feel so fabulous. I did musical theatre as a small child which explains a lot about me, so just feeling that I was performing for myself, rather than for other people made me feel super euphoric. Also having a flat chest at that time was like it for me, like I wanted to wear bras but like I don’t want it to go further than this and then it did and it was very sad. So it would be that dress that had rhinestones and stuff on it, I wore it all the time. I kept it for like a good year after I grew out of it cause I was like I’m not getting rid of this.
Carmen they/them
If you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?
First of all, you're a lesbian (non-binary lesbians are valid, yes!) Second of all, you're gorgeous. I used to think I was so ugly because I went to a predominantly white school. I'd tell my younger self - just because you don't look like the popular white girls in your class don't mean you're not pretty - it just means you're the prettiest one! Also, don't go to college - you have a ridiculous amount of student loan debt and you dropped out.
What objects make you feel closest to yourself and most align with who you are?
My ripstick. I cried when my older brother gifted it to me on my 9th birthday. When I ride it, I feel so free, and it's a moment when I am finally able to breathe. I often feel almost debilitatingly anxious - and riding my ripstick is one of the few things that helps alleviate my anxiety. As well as reminding me of my relationship with my older brother, which I cherish.
What activity or routine makes you feel most yourself, or most euphoric?
The first thing that comes to mind is using my strap-on. When I first used it I was like "Oh my god - this is everything. This is what I'm supposed to feel". I felt so euphoric and the most myself I've felt in an intimate situation ever. It almost always feels very gender-affirming. Also! Creating wearable art! I feel most myself when I am making jewelry. Coming up with new designs, and seeing my art on other hot queers - it all feels very validating and special.
